The Power of Trust: Building Strong Relationships in the Workplace

Faye Litherland explains how personal connections and shared experiences can transform your professional interactions and lead to better collaboration and outcomes

BUILDING strong, trust-based relationships with people is one of the most critical and valuable skills I have developed throughout my career. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that it doesn’t matter how technically skilled you are, how much knowledge you possess, or how right you may be. If someone doesn’t trust what you are saying, they will not listen, and you cannot influence them.

This realisation struck me during a meeting when I watched in horror as the people around the table chose to disregard my advice, despite my irrefutable, fact-based arguments, and instead listened to someone who presented no evidence and was, quite simply, incorrect in every assertion they made. I refuted their claims and did everything I could to help the team understand, but I ultimately lost the argument and had to concede defeat. I walked away feeling disheartened and humbled, while a small part of my fact-loving engineering soul withered and died. I had been outmatched not by someone technically superior, but by someone better at connecting with others and earning their trust. That was the day I resolved that things had to change. I decided to learn how to build relationships and gain people’s trust. I am still on that journey. With soft skills, there is always more to explore!

Smiling at gunpoint

For some people, meeting someone new is an exciting event they look forward to. “A party! Great! Count me in!” For others, it can be a nail-biting, stomach-churning horror that they try to avoid at all costs. “A party? Sounds lovely! Unfortunately, I already have plans.”

For those who are not naturally adept at soft skills, and who have never had anyone break it down or teach them how to engage with others successfully, is it any wonder that they dislike it? When someone lacking in soft skills meets a new person, they may already feel a degree of shyness or social anxiety. If a person expects an interaction to go poorly, it’s more likely that it will.

In TCE 1004, we discussed how important smiling is, noting that it takes less than a tenth of a second to create a first impression. If their initial impression is that you are terrified of meeting them and your smile appears as if it has been plastered on at gunpoint, then the chances of the interaction going well are slim. Each negative first meeting reinforces the belief that meeting new people is frightening and should be avoided or endured.

So, how can we successfully and confidently meet new people? Like any skill, this can be learned, practiced, and improved. As you enhance your abilities, you will gain confidence and perhaps even come to enjoy it.

I was one of those people who was terrified of meeting new people. It never went well. I always managed to put my foot in it by saying or doing the wrong thing. My mother, a natural people person, used to despair. Fortunately, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, she never gave up. Before leaving for university, I embarked on a solo camping trip to the Greek islands. As I was leaving for the airport, my long-suffering mother thrust a copy of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People into my hands and urged me to read it and attempt to make a friend while I was away. I did better than that. I made several Greek and German holiday friends. I thought my problems were behind me.

The first road test of my new soft skills occurred when I began university and arranged to meet a new group of people at a university club I had joined during freshers’ week. I was determined that this social event would go well and that they would like me. I had read How to Win Friends… from cover to cover several times. This was going to mark the beginning of something new. I was prepared!

I walked into the pub, and my confidence evaporated, but I was determined to be likeable and make friends. I smiled at people until my face was sore and asked them numerous questions about themselves to the point where it must have felt like an interrogation. All that was missing was the bright lamp. I could tell that things were going horribly wrong, but at the time, I had no idea why, or how I could fix it. I returned to my room demoralised and depressed, convinced that I would never have any friends, and lay in bed replaying every cringeworthy moment. I tried repeatedly with different groups of people, but it didn’t seem to matter; I couldn’t get it right. Regrettably, my newfound ability to form friendships abroad wasn’t translating into friendships at home. I now understand that people are generally more tolerant of poor soft skills in foreigners and often attribute any missteps to cultural differences. 

Eventually, after many years of failure, I managed to piece together what was going wrong. Dale Carnegie was only telling me part of the solution. Even a book as fundamental as How to Win Friends… assumed more knowledge of soft skills than I had. 

A change of approach

I would like you to consider two scenarios. I am an animal lover and have found that asking about people’s pets is a fairly safe conversation starter. Most people have a pet, grew up with one, or at least know someone else who has one if you are getting desperate. It isn’t hugely imaginative, but it’s more interesting than discussing the weather.   

Scenario 1: “Do you have any pets?” 

Scenario 2: “It’s been a busy day today, hasn’t it? This morning my dog wanted me to carry on playing fetch with her. I had to explain that I needed to get to work! She was quite disappointed, but she knows that I will play again with her later. Do you have any pets?” 

Scenario 1 poses a reasonable question, but it relies on the other person opening up to you without any warm-up. If this were the first thing I said to you at our initial meeting, following the introductions, it might come across as a bit abrupt and rude. Scenario 2 differs because, before asking the other person to share anything with me, I have already shared something with them, providing context for my question and initiating trust. Scenario 2 is more likely to lead to a conversation about our pets, where I can pose follow-up questions, and we can look at photos of our pets on our phones. The missing information from How to Win Friends… is that asking people about themselves is most effective when we share information about ourselves first.

At work we are not necessarily looking to make lifelong friends, but we are still looking to build rapport and trust with people, the building blocks of friendship. People often hesitate to share information about their personal lives at work with clients and colleagues. I have frequently heard the mantras “keep your work and personal life separate” and “maintain a professional distance”. I couldn’t disagree more strongly. Whatever type of work environment you find yourself in, there will inevitably come a time when you must have a difficult conversation with someone. It could involve discussing an employee’s poor performance or informing a client that their project will be delayed. If you have previously taken the time to build rapport and trust with the person you need to speak to, the outcome will likely be more positive. You will be better able to gauge how to convey information for the best result. For instance, you will know whether they might need a gentle approach or if they would prefer straightforward information without sugar coating. They will have already got to know you and the type of person you are. They are more likely to trust that you are speaking the truth and acting with honesty and integrity.

I have discovered that building trusting relationships with clients and colleagues by sharing information about my personal life and encouraging them to share theirs has led to more cooperative working relationships and improved project outcomes. When something goes wrong, people who already trust one another are more inclined to collaborate on solving a problem and less likely to waste time assigning blame.

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Faye lives on a farm in Somerset with her dog, Tui, her cat, Lily, and more than 20 Icelandic horses.